my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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