God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
