My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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