I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
