Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
