I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
