At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
