I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
