So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
