I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
