I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
