I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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