I didn't shave. On purpose
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
