He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
