Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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