Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
