I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize