I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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