i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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