I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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