I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
