remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
