What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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