I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
