Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
