All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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