Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
