don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
