I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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