I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Randomize
