she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
