It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
