yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
