So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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