good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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