i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
