He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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