so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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