you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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