I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
did i just pee glitter
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
