Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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