Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
and she was petting her beer can
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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