Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
