i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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