Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
