I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
how drunk are you?
Several
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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