Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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