I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize