Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
