listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
