Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
