I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
