There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
