he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize