I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
