Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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