so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
