I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
