every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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