I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
